Well..

I will admit we have been hit hard by this wonderful time period. I may break these thoughts in to a few posts. We shall see.

Biggest issue has been David's health. It has declined to the point  he sleeps a lot (partly the pain meds) and cries in pain. He can't eat much. He cannot do anything with the kids. If he gets up and does anything the next two days are even worse for him. His surgery was cancelled because, " Covid may overrun the hospital." That didn't happen. Montana had less work hours even because the floors were not doing surgery. The hospitals never got to the point they were not able to handle regular patients. My husband though, who was already sick and needed help, was made to wait. WAIT more months because there "may"  be patients. To say I am angry would be an understatement. How do you put someone's life on hold while you wait for people to become sick. Wait for patients that may or may not come. Wait when you have very sick patients that need help NOW!! How do you cancel a procedure that took months to plan? What makes his life less then someone who hasn't even become sick yet?I blame the governor and hospitals. I blame them for not thinking of all those people already sick. It wasn't just David. I know others that had critical tests and procedures on hold. What do you think happens when you wait two to three months to biopsies a possible cancerous tumor? 

Before his April surgery David and I had a hard time coming to terms with what this surgery was going to entail. A few weeks before it we had finally opened up to each other. We talked about all our fears. This was very hard. It is scary. Then, it was yanked from us. No surgery. No guess when it may be. It would all be dependent on Covid and the state.

We had to have this surgery in April. It wasn't only the fact he was getting worse. Middle of June his catastrophic leave was up. No job. No money. It isn't like in the middle of all the kids being home and taking care of a sick spouse, in another state, I could work.

His surgery has been scheduled for a day in June. I am NOT counting on it to happen. We have thought that before. I hope it will. I have just lost faith in so many things the past 6 months. We are planning for it though. The kids will be out of school so we won't have that concern. Even with that, I can't stay in NC for his full recovery. We have pets and we can't afford anything let alone boarding them for a long period. Montana's house is hardly big enough for us all let alone the pets.  He will recover with help from his mom and girls. I feel bad about putting that one everyone else but I can't be everywhere. I will stay until he is out of his drug induced comma. That could be fours days at the least. The girls and I will be in Arkansas for at least a month and a half on our own. How we are going to handle this money wise we don't know yet. I don't say that to overshare money with people. It is a huge reality for us.

Thanks to Covid we may be jobless. We may have no income.

He will have tests a week before his surgery. We pray there will be no swelling or anything in his pancreas. If there is there will be no surgery.

I finally broke down the other night to David. I have tried very hard to stay busy. I will get to that later . A person can only keep their mind so busy before it hits. What if he doesn't come out of it? The doctor went over all the stuff that could go wrong. Even if it goes pretty well the lasting effects could be nothing to something big? Not having the surgery isn't an option. We have to pray. We have everyone praying with us. We have to move forward even in fear. We have to be strong.

David says I am his rock. I admit I don't feel like a rock. I am tired. I am scared. I am exhausted. I also want my kids to have their daddy back. Having a sick spouse is lonely. David and I have always enjoyed different things. He would humor me though and go for a walk with the kids and I because it was something I liked. The past year he hasn't been able to do that. When we went to the mountains in the fall he went on a small hike and spent the rest of the weekend in pain. No more for him. I hate leaving him behind while we go out. I feel bad so we have not been out much. It is a struggle for us
all.

People talk about masks. People talking about "sheltering in place" or "being selfish for wanting places open."  There is a long list of things people are angry about thanks to Covid. I want my husband to be healthy. I want him well. I want him to be able to go to the hospital and finally have his surgery. We don't care if he can have visitors. We don't care if he is there alone. We need this done. Just get it done.