Choices

Love is a choice. 

Faith is a choice.

Honesty is a choice. 

Being faithful is a choice.

Kindness is a a choice.

Charity is a choice.

Happiness is a choice. 

Anger is a choice. 

Forgiveness' is a choice. 

Loyalty is a choice. 

Respect is a choice. 

Responsibility is a choice. 

Compassion is a choice.

 Being reliable is a choice.

Being considerate is a choice. 

Adultery's  a choice. 

Being selfish is a choice. 

Hurting other is a choice. 

Back At It!

 Back to blogging. Something I love and have so little time for. I may decide to keep it very simple. My journals are a jumbled mess, but it is my jumbled mess. :)  Expect even worse typing errors and punctuation. If I don't have my glasses on I am lucky to see the letters at all. :) Still deciding how to navigate a blog in this new life I have been tossed into. . Yet, it is important to keep track of it all. Share to some extent. I will still have to be private on a lot of things in our lives

We are "finishing" up what is our first full year of homeschooling all the girls. Well, let me be honest, traditional homeschool for the smaller two and the older two are doing an online public school program. I can explain that reasoning at another time. 

We are a tad "behind" with the younger two. I put "behind" in quotes because we are homeschooling, there is no set timetable to start and finish. This year has had so many, I will just say hurdles. That is ok though. W and A are learning a lot. They will be just fine. We will be working through the summer and will be on track to start the next level of studies sometime in the fall. 

I love teaching them. One of the best parts of my day is seeing them learn. I admit it is also sometimes one of the hardest parts. I will say I think watching them learn and knowing we are doing it together is the most rewarding job I could have right now. 

We have plans to start exploring Arkansas. I have a list. Some things will have to be done on weekends since they are a tad farther out. Those David can join us if he chooses. For the rest, we will be making memories with the girls and me.  Which is perfectly perfect. 

We did check off one item so far. We went to the diamond mine. I still haven't even had a chance to get the pictures off my camera from that trip.

Recital shows for the youngest three, are less than two weeks away. That will be crazy busy but so enjoyable to watch.  I didn't sign up to be a backstage mom this year. I am still not sure how I feel about this choice but, with all three in so many of the same shows, there was no way to decide who to be with. If I was with one I would not be able to see the others dance. 

I will try to blog a few days a week at least. Hopefully get pictures added too. 

Toys, Lessons and So Much TIME!!

Yes the whole world needed to slow down. Yes, this pandemic made us all stop. Some families have been impacted more then others. Yes we all know this. We get it. People can stop arguing about who has it worse. We all get through stuff in different ways.

Before Covid I had on my list, (that never gets done) to go through the kids toys, while they were at school. I planned to  toss all of all the stuff they never play with. I never had a chance to get to those toys. David was sick. Sam and KK also had a lot of doctor appointments. We were trying to get Willow in for some testing. WE also just had normal life busy. Well thanks to Covid every toy has been played with. Over the last two months my house has been covered in toys that the kids hadn't seen or hugged in a very long time. Thanks to all the the time home they have been able to get bored. To go explore all the toy buckets. It has been nice to see them have the time to get in to all these things. I am glad I was to busy to toss them. There has been time to line up dinos. Time to dress up Barbies. Time to play with dolls. KK, Willow and Amby have grown closer. I will admit I am glad that Willow and Amby are close enough in age to have a friend in the house with them. I can't imagine being an only child and stuck in the house all day. KK is still young enough that she will  play with her sisters. KK and Amby never got along before quarantine. Now they are all close. There is one downfall to this though. Getting school work done is HARD. They want to play. Next year will be interesting. We will have to have some rules ,and I am sure battles in order to get them all through class next year.

Sam and KK do online school at home. The closing of schools didn't impact them. They were lucky. Poor Willow lost out on all the fun kinder things the last quarter. Yes there is some mourning of things lost. She LOVED school. I admit it seemed a little wild to start with. Lots of wild friends and one teacher who I felt bad for. She was wonderful but man, she had a lot to deal with. She was was so kind with my quiet Willow. As the year went on Willow came to talk to her teacher and her speech teacher. She was still quiet, but it was progress. She had some little friends. She learned a lot. She loves math. Her reading has come a long way. Then, AMI packets and google classroom. It wasn't hard for her to do this at home but it wasn't enough. We did more stuff with her at home. She missed school though. She cried when school was cancelled for the rest of the year. I hated it for her. No, there isn't anyone to blame for this. It has just turned in to a weird period for us all.

Amberlee missed out on time with her friends. She didn't get to have a preschool graduation. She missed out on the end of a fun year. 

Dance oh dance. Their studio has worked hard from the beginning of this mess to try to keep instruction and fun going for the dancers. It has been an ever evolving process. We now have zoom classes for the girls during the week. After a few weeks the girls have had enough. KK will practice at home but she misses her friends in class. Most of her friends no longer come to zoom class. Amberlee is four. Getting her to pay attention in a zoom class has proven to be an impossible task. She loves dance and does wonderful in a real class. Online class in our lake room is NOT working. Willow on the other hand doesn't care if her classes are in studio or at home.  She dances and practices all day. If zoom classes are the only way she gets class then that is OK. That said she has a hard time hearing everything said in zoom. It isn't the easiest way to learn dance. She gives it her all though. Their studio says they will have a recital at the end of July. We are waiting to see how that works. We may just have to acknowledge that even though we worked hard this year, and have a lot of money invested in costumes we may not be able to do recital. Another things we have to give up thanks to this stupid virus.

At the start of Covid we tried to get out for walks. It was way to crowded with so many people out of school and work. We have been pretty much stuck inside. I have been trying, recently to find less busy trails. That isn't a very easy task. Willow LOVES to get out. She loves to run. She always runs ahead of me. I give her a marker to run to. Willow is a child that likes to get out of the house. I will save my thoughts on how we are doing mentally with not going places in my next blog post.

Well..

I will admit we have been hit hard by this wonderful time period. I may break these thoughts in to a few posts. We shall see.

Biggest issue has been David's health. It has declined to the point  he sleeps a lot (partly the pain meds) and cries in pain. He can't eat much. He cannot do anything with the kids. If he gets up and does anything the next two days are even worse for him. His surgery was cancelled because, " Covid may overrun the hospital." That didn't happen. Montana had less work hours even because the floors were not doing surgery. The hospitals never got to the point they were not able to handle regular patients. My husband though, who was already sick and needed help, was made to wait. WAIT more months because there "may"  be patients. To say I am angry would be an understatement. How do you put someone's life on hold while you wait for people to become sick. Wait for patients that may or may not come. Wait when you have very sick patients that need help NOW!! How do you cancel a procedure that took months to plan? What makes his life less then someone who hasn't even become sick yet?I blame the governor and hospitals. I blame them for not thinking of all those people already sick. It wasn't just David. I know others that had critical tests and procedures on hold. What do you think happens when you wait two to three months to biopsies a possible cancerous tumor? 

Before his April surgery David and I had a hard time coming to terms with what this surgery was going to entail. A few weeks before it we had finally opened up to each other. We talked about all our fears. This was very hard. It is scary. Then, it was yanked from us. No surgery. No guess when it may be. It would all be dependent on Covid and the state.

We had to have this surgery in April. It wasn't only the fact he was getting worse. Middle of June his catastrophic leave was up. No job. No money. It isn't like in the middle of all the kids being home and taking care of a sick spouse, in another state, I could work.

His surgery has been scheduled for a day in June. I am NOT counting on it to happen. We have thought that before. I hope it will. I have just lost faith in so many things the past 6 months. We are planning for it though. The kids will be out of school so we won't have that concern. Even with that, I can't stay in NC for his full recovery. We have pets and we can't afford anything let alone boarding them for a long period. Montana's house is hardly big enough for us all let alone the pets.  He will recover with help from his mom and girls. I feel bad about putting that one everyone else but I can't be everywhere. I will stay until he is out of his drug induced comma. That could be fours days at the least. The girls and I will be in Arkansas for at least a month and a half on our own. How we are going to handle this money wise we don't know yet. I don't say that to overshare money with people. It is a huge reality for us.

Thanks to Covid we may be jobless. We may have no income.

He will have tests a week before his surgery. We pray there will be no swelling or anything in his pancreas. If there is there will be no surgery.

I finally broke down the other night to David. I have tried very hard to stay busy. I will get to that later . A person can only keep their mind so busy before it hits. What if he doesn't come out of it? The doctor went over all the stuff that could go wrong. Even if it goes pretty well the lasting effects could be nothing to something big? Not having the surgery isn't an option. We have to pray. We have everyone praying with us. We have to move forward even in fear. We have to be strong.

David says I am his rock. I admit I don't feel like a rock. I am tired. I am scared. I am exhausted. I also want my kids to have their daddy back. Having a sick spouse is lonely. David and I have always enjoyed different things. He would humor me though and go for a walk with the kids and I because it was something I liked. The past year he hasn't been able to do that. When we went to the mountains in the fall he went on a small hike and spent the rest of the weekend in pain. No more for him. I hate leaving him behind while we go out. I feel bad so we have not been out much. It is a struggle for us
all.

People talk about masks. People talking about "sheltering in place" or "being selfish for wanting places open."  There is a long list of things people are angry about thanks to Covid. I want my husband to be healthy. I want him well. I want him to be able to go to the hospital and finally have his surgery. We don't care if he can have visitors. We don't care if he is there alone. We need this done. Just get it done.

Captain's Log Day Three and Four

 Still alive over here. We still have toilet paper. David and I have to head out tomorrow for some provisions. I am not thinking he needs to be out in public but I am not winning this argument. We don't need much. We tried to do an online order at both Kroger and Wal Mart but their pick up times are booked out two days. Taking wipes with me to clean and make sure we scrub up when we come home.

Kids are starting to feel stuck. Amberlee is more whinny. Willow has mentioned missing her teacher and friends. Willow just wants out of the house. I said I was going to the store. She asked why and I said we needed food. She said "well, we could use some more toys." Nope no more toys. BUT I know they are getting bored. We aren't usually just sitting in the house unless we are sick. I am waiting for the weather to be ok and taking them for a walk. They say as long as you keep away from people and don't go to playgrounds you should be ok. I wish we could do a playground though. We could have gone out tonight but the weather people said rain and thunder storms. Those never came.
I need to see if we have any kid games.

Their dance studio has sent out videos for each age level so we can practice at home. It was a big undertaking for the studio. We received the links for Amberlee's class and Willow's hip hop first. Amberlee does not like having class with her sisters and didn't behave. Kailynn and Willow had fun even if it was preschool moves.

 The links for their classes came in today so  we will be practicing starting tomorrow. If nothing else they are moving. It is better then running all over the house which has been happening a lot. I will have to share that when they dance.

We have been doing lots of school. Willow loves all learning. Tonight she asked to do math. Last night we did subtraction flash cards using coins as counters. Tonight we did some addition cards. Then we did sight words. Amberlee came to sit with us. Willow doesn't like sharing my attention but she did the words and Amberlee did the letters in the words. We have been reading a lot. Since we don't have anywhere to go at night we have plenty of time for bedtime stories. Tonight Willow grabbed "Puff the Magic Dragon." We read the book and then turned on the song. She loved it. We sang along to it twice. She said, "I love this song."

Today was our normal farm day. No contact with people. Sam, Willow and I went. Willow asked to join us. She loves going up there. Kailynn and Amberlee are not a fan. Most of the time if they have to go they sit in the car. So, I left them home with sick David.

Willow had a freak out moment today because she thought the chickens were chasing her. We haven't seen the baby goat. Hopefully next week.

Captains's Log Day ONE and TWO

We are surviving,
I realized on the second night I am really battling depression. We have all be in the house so much, even before this so I didn't think this would be a big transistion for us. David has been home for months. All we did was add a preschooler and a Kinder kid back in. What I realized though is that David and the kids don't listen to me. I talk to myself. Yet they all want to bombard me with thoughts and needs all day. They even talk over each other. I am not even going potty on my own. So, I don't have the 30 min of quiet to read in carline picking up Willow. I realized I miss that. I need that mentally. Then, in talking to Sam and KK they both brought up that I also read when I take them to dance. Plus I have a little interaction with other dance parents. Even taking Amby to school I, at the very least, say hi to people. I didn't realize how much those little interactions mattered. I am a introvert anyway but taking these small things away is messing with me. I know what I need to do.
I need to get up early and get back to my walks. I try to get up before the kids get up but they have a sensor and seem to get up right before me no matter what time I set the alarm. Working out will help me. I haven't worked out in awhile.
I need to do some projects. I actually love cleaning and if we aren't running all over I should have time. Even Sam mentioned we should reorganize the book shelves.
We need to play games. We need family fun time. It has been raining but if it ever stops we can head to the backyard.
I don't know how but I need to find a way to read.

Willow asked Monday if she was going back to school the next day, We told her she was home for the next two weeks. She said "I am stuck with you all?" Sam looked at her like "really kid?"

Sam and Kailynn still have school this week. Their school is online. Next week is spring break. With David's surgery looming we couldn't decide if we should stay here for spring break or head to NC. We would be in NC two weeks after spring break for his surgery anyway. Based on cost we decided to stay home and just explore Arkansas. I planned to take the kids place like the zoo and get in some state park exploration. Just enjoy some family time before this surgery. Now we are all stuck inside. All places are closed. I am glad we didn't go to NC for spring break. We would have all been stuck in the small house with a lot more people.

We did enjoy the first two nights of no dance class. We seriously missed dance and friends but because I didn't take KK to dance I was home to curl up with Willow. We did flashcards of sight words and read books. She has come so far in school. She started  the year hardly knowing her letters and she is now sounding out words. She LOVES to learn. I seriously believe children learn when they are ready. She was ready.

Getting KK to focus while her sisters are home is hard. Even if I have the smaller ones doing lessons she won't stay in her seat.

Willow told me Monday that instead of being a K9 officer she wants to be an author and illustrator. She has started making books.

Practicing releves so we can check off a square on  our bingo sheet.

I have so much stuff to homeschool for about k-3. Broke out all the flashcards and sight words. They have been chillin in the drawer for awhile.

Willow reading sight words. I think I have used these for Sam, KK and now Willow.

 As part of our dance bingo we had to make ballet buns. Amby was hard as she doesn't have much hair. Willow was hard because she has so much.

If you noticed there is a theme with KK. PJs all day. Weirdo. HAHAHA

Catching up

I am not even going to try to catch up on the lost YEARS of my blog. :)

I have been reading a book and one of the big questions are "what thing or things can you do that will make you a happier person." 
Ummmm NOTHING!! Who has time for anything? I have given up everything I love to do. I hardly read. I eat horrible. I gave up all my workout plans. I have gained weight. I stopped taking pictures... It is a long list. It is depressing. I have been trying to figure out what I could put on my happy list. What could I fit in amid kiddo doc appointments and Davids looming surgery. The answer is writing. I miss writing. It doesn't have to be a great blog piece read by thousands. It could be even just a blog for me. I could share or not share but the act of sitting down and typing anything is peace..
I am going to start small. I am not going to work on the perfect blog post. I am just going to write from my heart. It could make sense. It could not. The point is this will be one small thing for me.

Oh I still plan on getting back to workouts. I have a thought and goal in my head about that too. I am waiting to see how David's surgery goes though. I am stuck in limbo until we know how life will be after this. So many aspects in our life right now are driven by the health and doctor appointments of those in this house.